Years ago when I first realized I had trust “issues” I was inclined to blame those who had lied to me, those closest to me, my parents in their noble though misguided notion that they were protecting me. In delving into lies and secrets as I have in my work as a therapist I have learnt much that has surprised me.
I’ve learnt that protection is a two edged sword and very often those that lie and say that they are protecting someone are often conflict avoidant and really very scared themselves. Trust like many other aspects of relationships is often a projected quality.
One man I spoke to had even “joked” about his belief that his wife would have an affair, years before she ever considered the same. He held beliefs about his own unworthiness for love and fears of abandonment which he acted out in their relationship.
Trust is the direct opposite of fear, trust that even though we cannot see, know or understand all things, they can still be brought to good, that good can come from the most dire of circumstances if make space for miracles. The most important gift we can give ourselves is the gift of trust, when we act from an inner knowing, knowing that we can trust ourselves to act with integrity and authenticity. Ironically it is then that we no longer need to worry about whether others are trustworthy. This is a good place to come to when one does the work and starts to define one’s self in this way. Fear has no place here.
We can set the intention to trust even when it looks like others may not deserve our trust, we hold the space for trustworthy behaviours and actions and we trust that we can also take appropriate measures to care for ourselves moment to moment as life unfolds from this trusting space. Intimacy I’ve heard described is trust in the universe to provide what you need when you need and in the manner most appropriate for you. Being real creates trust, falsity lives and lurks in the shadows casting its web of playmates, anxiety and guilt into inextricable roles in its dance.
© Margie Ulbrick
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